I wish I could just reach out and hurt where I know it would hurt most. Why do I have these terrible feelings of revenge? I’ve been hurt. I’m in pain and I desperately want that pain to go away. I get thrown from feelings of anger to feelings of sadness. Seems these two need each other in order to get me out of the pain.
My feelings of anger get worse when I don’t understand why people react in the way they do. Sometimes it seems they cannot do otherwise, and are merely driven by their own emotions, not sufficiently thinking about the impact to the other. I’m trying to understand what drives them and try to avoid from falling into that egocentric trap myself. I try to see and understand the different coping mechanisms and appreciate that we all communicate in our own ways, that we are not perfect.
I try to explore my inner feelings of pain, try to embrace it and give it a place, so it is acknowledged and I can get to see the light again. After all, we can only see the light because there is darkness. I also try to avoid giving into the deep desire of revenge. Fortunately my wise inner self is stopping me from doing anything foolish or imprudent.
I also accuse myself of self-pity. After all, my personal situation is nothing compared to big issues others are dealing with, let alone at larger societal scale. I have no right to complain whatsoever. Moreover, I live a very fortunate life and have really no reason to complain, or otherwise indulge my feelings of pain.
But I was so angry with the situation and though I can get angry quite easily (and get accused of being angry by people around me who don’t like this), I found it hard to give into these feelings of anger. I felt I had no right to be angry. Yet, in a recent gust of impulsive behaviour I shared my anger and frustrations with a friend. To my total surprise his reaction was that ”a person is as big as the thing that makes them angry” and continued by saying that he was honoured that I felt able to vent my frustrations with him. He then went on by saying that what we also know about anger, of course, is that it can be an enormous propellant for positive action if it is well-directed; but, if not, it can be very destructive.
And then, when thinking about those recent personal happenings, I feel the deep urge to cry and cry and cry. Late on Friday I gave into that or rather, my body took over and I had this immense cathartic cry. Afterwards I understood why in the Shamanic tradition crying is seen as healing, as I felt so much better. It felt like a big wash and I was cleaned.
Now back on the path of progress, I am trying to embrace the understanding that people find it so difficult to communicate sensitively or to communicate at all (and not communicating is obviously also communications in itself). I also try to see that managing expectations at all levels of life is so crucial. Bizarre how a work motto of mine has now come back to me: ‘under promise and over deliver’. That is palpably something I ought to remember in the personal sphere. And last, but certainly not least, I am sharing this experience because I hope that you will appreciate that it is okay to feel pain and, moreover, to embrace the pain. Only by embracing the pain, will it actually go away. I believe that if we don’t give our pain a place, our bodies will come ‘back at us’, whether it is through headaches, backaches, ulcers, or what have you. It might not be that it is the crying that would help, after all we all have our different ways of dealing with pain. Yet don’t push it away, but acknowledge it, as that will create the healing. I certainly know that I will need to continue to cry a lot and realise that is my strength, not my weakness….